I think sometimes I confuse myself. I mean I know I’m not ready to be dating – I have so many things I need to work on and I need to get over a certain someone that totally stole my heart so unexpectedly that sometimes I wonder if it was real or just a dream. I still think back to how it all happened and it seems so sureal. And there are still people in my life that don’t understand the whole situation (for new readers – it’s a long story…he’s a soldier, I ‘met’ him while he was deployed through an online friend who is very good friends with him and what I thought was going to be nothing more than emailing back and forth turned into falling in love with a man that I knew more ‘intimately’ than most of the offline relationships I’ve had. An amazing man, a man that treated me with respect, kindness…things that were unfamiliar to me in the realm of a relationship. I could go on and on…but I won’t. I can’t cause it just brings back the hurt).

But the point of the post is that (and this is where I confuse myself) I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m still single. Maybe it’s because of the time I spent with family this weekend and how I’m the oldest but the only single one. Don’t get me wrong there are definitely pros to being single. But I’d be lying if I said I loved it or even liked it.

Why can’t I have a relationship? Why can’t I get over him? Why can’t I have my ‘fairy tale’ dream – the big wedding (although I have to say a big wedding doesn’t really matter at least not like it once did), the honeymoon I’ve always dreamed of, another baby?

I know how hard relationships are…believe me I do. I know a man won’t make me happy. I know a man won’t solve my problems. I know a man isn’t the answer…but is it so wrong that I long for that (a man, a relationship, marriage)?

I keep wondering when is my time of singleness going to be up. I mean haven’t I done my time yet? I’ve been ’single’ (minus a few relationships over the years) since 6 days before my son’s first birthday (and he’s 10 1/2 now!!!).

Sometimes I just can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me. And it’s really hard to not get hung up on the whole single thing sometimes considering all I’ve ever wanted since I was in high school is to be a wife. That’s a long time to have been waiting for a dream to be fulfilled and honestly it’s really discouraging and at times angering! And there are times that I cry because my heart longs so deeply to be a wife and it hurts that bad that all I can do is let the tears flow.

And this feeling that there’s something wrong with me I know is just a bunch of crap that I’m feeding into by allowing myself to even think it but damn sometimes it’s so hard to brush the thoughts off and move on. But I guess a good place to start would be to stop talking about it.

So how’s that for an arubt ending to a long random full of nothing post?

My baby that will soon be 10. 10. How is that even possible? It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I was holding him in my arms leaving the hospital, embarking on the journey of motherhood. I find myself wondering if I’m ever going to get the chance to bring more children into this world but I also find myself wondering how we’ve made it this far, how I’ve made it this far. Even after almost 10 years of being a mother I still feel like I have no clue when it comes to parenting.

I find myself wondering about all the things that Caleb has missed out on by not having a mom & dad raise him together under the same roof. Sometimes I feel guilty that Caleb has been raised by only me. Sure his dad sees him every other weekend but it’s not the same. I find myself often feeling like I’ve failed him as a parent, that there is more I should be doing. I feel guilty that I can’t give him all the things he wants. I hate hearing him talk about his friends that have both their mom & dad in the house.

Sometimes I wonder what the future will be like. I don’t want him struggling through life like I have. I don’t want him stressing over money like I have. I don’t want him hopping from one relationship to the next like he sees his dad do. I wonder if he will use the values, morals and everything else I’ve taught him…or maybe I should say am trying to teach him because it’s an ongoing process.

But what I find myself wondering the most is when he becomes an adult will he know how much I love him, have loved him & will always love him? Will he understand that I couldn’t give him everything he wanted because I had a responsibility to keep a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food on the table. Or will he only remember the bad times? The times I’ve struggled to pay bills, provide food, etc? I want him growing up knowing that he’s always been the most important thing in my life and that I’m so blessed to be his mom.