I think sometimes I confuse myself. I mean I know I’m not ready to be dating – I have so many things I need to work on and I need to get over a certain someone that totally stole my heart so unexpectedly that sometimes I wonder if it was real or just a dream. I still think back to how it all happened and it seems so sureal. And there are still people in my life that don’t understand the whole situation (for new readers – it’s a long story…he’s a soldier, I ‘met’ him while he was deployed through an online friend who is very good friends with him and what I thought was going to be nothing more than emailing back and forth turned into falling in love with a man that I knew more ‘intimately’ than most of the offline relationships I’ve had. An amazing man, a man that treated me with respect, kindness…things that were unfamiliar to me in the realm of a relationship. I could go on and on…but I won’t. I can’t cause it just brings back the hurt).

But the point of the post is that (and this is where I confuse myself) I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m still single. Maybe it’s because of the time I spent with family this weekend and how I’m the oldest but the only single one. Don’t get me wrong there are definitely pros to being single. But I’d be lying if I said I loved it or even liked it.

Why can’t I have a relationship? Why can’t I get over him? Why can’t I have my ‘fairy tale’ dream – the big wedding (although I have to say a big wedding doesn’t really matter at least not like it once did), the honeymoon I’ve always dreamed of, another baby?

I know how hard relationships are…believe me I do. I know a man won’t make me happy. I know a man won’t solve my problems. I know a man isn’t the answer…but is it so wrong that I long for that (a man, a relationship, marriage)?

I keep wondering when is my time of singleness going to be up. I mean haven’t I done my time yet? I’ve been ’single’ (minus a few relationships over the years) since 6 days before my son’s first birthday (and he’s 10 1/2 now!!!).

Sometimes I just can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me. And it’s really hard to not get hung up on the whole single thing sometimes considering all I’ve ever wanted since I was in high school is to be a wife. That’s a long time to have been waiting for a dream to be fulfilled and honestly it’s really discouraging and at times angering! And there are times that I cry because my heart longs so deeply to be a wife and it hurts that bad that all I can do is let the tears flow.

And this feeling that there’s something wrong with me I know is just a bunch of crap that I’m feeding into by allowing myself to even think it but damn sometimes it’s so hard to brush the thoughts off and move on. But I guess a good place to start would be to stop talking about it.

So how’s that for an arubt ending to a long random full of nothing post?

No I haven’t been sucked back into the whole online dating thing. Well kind of no anyways. Just out of curiosity I happened to check my email that I used for an online dating site when I was being ‘active’ on the site quite awhile ago and I’ll admit it I got kind of excited when I saw all the emails in there. A lot of them were old but there were several recent ones. Of course I couldn’t resist logging onto the site and reading the mail.

It didn’t take long to weed through the ones that I got that ‘crazy’ impression about. And a few of the emails – man I thought women could come off as needy, I just found a few men that way out beat women in the needy department. There were a few that….well let’s just say they didn’t beat around the bush when it came to asking for what they wanted (seriously can’t believe men just email asking for a booty call….disgusting).

And then there were two emails from two seemingly normal men. So I bit the bait and emailed back. I said I wouldn’t do it but I did (hanging my head in shame LOL) Now I’ve been in a game of pickle so to speak emailing back and forth between these two men. Both of them want my phone number and both of them want to meet. I’m not ready to meet either one of them and honestly I’m not sure that I have any interest in talking on the phone to either of them yet (is that bad?). I’m ok with giving out my IM address and will chat online with them but I’m just not ready for anything else.

I find it funny that I find dating tiring, time consuming, emotionally draining and just a big ole pain in the a**! That’s probably not a good thing that I view dating in those terms.

And for someone that says she hasn’t been sucked back in she sure checks that email inbox on a pretty frequent basis again. ROFLOL

Yesterday wasn’t a good day. At all. It sucked. I’m pretty sure I cried every possible tear there was to cry and then some (even now thinking I have no tears left they are once again running down my cheeks…oh and that’s not a picture of me cause I looked/look a heck of a lot worse than just one tear rolling down my cheek!…lol). My head felt like it was going to explode, Tylenol didn’t even begin to touch the headache I had which is still here today but not as bad as yesterday. I spent most of the day in bed bawling my eyes out like a big baby. I needed to be alone. I needed to let the tears out…you know how sometimes you just need those good gut wrenching, sobbing, can’t catch your breath cries? Yeah it was that. I just wanted to be left alone but Caleb didn’t leave me alone. He was worried about me. He was the sweetest kid ever. He kept hugging me, patting me on the back, kissing me and telling me how much he loved me.

The reason behind my tears…

Seth and I have…taken a break, broken up, or whatever you wanna call it (at least until he’s back in the states and until we both deal with things we need to deal with. ok part of me sort of understands but I’m still hurt and angry)! I call it THIS JUST SUCKS! He calls it WE’LL STILL BE FRIENDS!

In the past it’s been so easy to hate the men when a relationship ended (and our relationship isn’t over…it’s just on hold and I have no intentions of going anywhere) because they were jerks, cheaters, abusive, etc. It was so easy to bash on them and talk smack. But this time there isn’t anything, nothing, nada, zilch to hate or talk smack about. He’s done nothing but be honest & upfront (sometimes to honest…lol), sweet, kind, caring, thoughtful and so many other things. How can I hate him or bad talk him when there isn’t anything bad to say or anything to hate? And you can’t hate someone you care so deeply for. Well you can but in this situation I can’t…he doesn’t deserve it.

Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

Tish

They call me crazy:

I’ve had a couple people come out and tell me that I have fallen completely off my rocker and am downright crazy for having a relationship with Seth because (one) we’ve never met in person, (two) he’s in the Army and deployed in Iraq and (three) because it’s an ‘online’ thing.

I’m taking a step up on my soap box!

First let me say that I’m at the point in my life where I don’t care what other people think! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, just as I’m an ADULT and can make my own decisions especially regarding who I date!!!! Second, I did not meet Seth online in a chat room or something like that! We were introduced through a mutual friend. She knows Seth very well and his family also.

And the ones that haven’t came out and called me crazy just tell me they don’t know how I do it and that it’s gotta be so hard with no talking on the phone, no going on dates, worrying about whether he’s ok, the times of no communication and just all the not having ‘normal’ relationship things.

It is hard:

Yeah it is hard and I don’t expect people to understand why I do it, people don’t need to understand but if you want to know… I do it because he is special. I do it because I care about him. I do it because he has the qualities I’ve always looked for and never found in a man until now. I do it because he really truly is a genuine, down to earth, great guy that treats me how I deserve to be treated.

I had my doubts:

I have to say that I was totally skeptical when Tammy was telling me all about him and how nice he was, how good he was with her kids, etc. I’m pretty sure I probably rolled my eyes as she was saying all those things. I know that I laughed & thought to myself yep I’ve heard it all before and they all end up being jerks, everyone one of them.

My doubts quickly went away:

He isn’t a jerk…at all! Even when I’ve made dumb decisions and done things that have hurt him. He really is a good guy and sometimes I feel like I need to pinch myself to see if this is real. He makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world. He cares about things that are going on in my life, even going through everything he’s going through over there he still cares about the day to day things in my life. He cares about what’s going on with Caleb and all the ‘normal’ relationship stuff regardless of the fact he’s a gazillion miles away.

So back to the reason of this post….The Today Show

I usually have my TV on every morning tuned into The Today Show. I laughed and got so excited today when I caught the Race to the Altar segment of the show. Wanna know why?

Because there is a couple on there (Melissa & Ryan) that met EXACTLY how Seth and I met! Ryan’s sister suggested to Melissa that she meet her brother, the only obstacle was that he was deployed in Iraq! Melissa and Ryan met 2 months after they began emailing while he was on R&R!

Here are some little excerpts from the website (that I linked to above on their names) and I love it because it all just hits home with me!

Melissa and Ryan started out as pen pals.

The only obstacle was that Ryan, a combat army engineer, was deployed in Iraq.

Ryan decided to take a chance and wrote Melissa an email. (ok so I’m the one that wrote the first email but hey I’m not complaining! And I’m glad that I had some friendly ‘pushing’ from Tams and Shannon)

They typed. They talked. (I have had some very deep conversations with Seth – deeper than conversations I’ve had with men I’ve dated ‘in person’!)

Two months later, Ryan met Melissa for the very first time while he was on mid tour. (Seth and I plan on meeting up for the first time when he’s on R&R this summer)

At the very first sight of him, Melissa was speechless for the 6″4 brown hair blue-eyed handsome hunk. (I was speechless when I saw one of Seth’s pictures…I can only imagine what it will be like finally seeing him face to face…that gives me butterflies just thinking about it!)

A few short weeks later, Ryan was deployed back to Iraq for another six months. Their only means of communication was through emails and photographs. Melissa has kept every email and has since made it into “their book,” a 2000 page book filled with words of love. (Yes I’ve kept all our emails, chats, etc! and yes if we get the opportunity to meet up this summer, he’ll be going back to Iraq for several more months!)

Yeah I’m so excited for them! And that just goes to show that I AM NOT CRAZY! People do this kind of stuff all the time & to see/hear about another woman that did the same exact thing as me just made me smile and get all warm & fuzzy feeling.

An online relationship is a lot more common now-a-days than people realize! And not only have I heard this story of Melissa & Ryan being in the same situation as Seth and I are, I’ve had a couple of my online friends share with me that they’ve been in a similar situation with a soldier!

So there ya have it – I’m not crazy but if you still choose to think I am so be it. I already stated that everyone is entitled to their opinion. And quite frankly I am happy and that’s all that matters!