My baby that will soon be 10. 10. How is that even possible? It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I was holding him in my arms leaving the hospital, embarking on the journey of motherhood. I find myself wondering if I’m ever going to get the chance to bring more children into this world but I also find myself wondering how we’ve made it this far, how I’ve made it this far. Even after almost 10 years of being a mother I still feel like I have no clue when it comes to parenting.

I find myself wondering about all the things that Caleb has missed out on by not having a mom & dad raise him together under the same roof. Sometimes I feel guilty that Caleb has been raised by only me. Sure his dad sees him every other weekend but it’s not the same. I find myself often feeling like I’ve failed him as a parent, that there is more I should be doing. I feel guilty that I can’t give him all the things he wants. I hate hearing him talk about his friends that have both their mom & dad in the house.

Sometimes I wonder what the future will be like. I don’t want him struggling through life like I have. I don’t want him stressing over money like I have. I don’t want him hopping from one relationship to the next like he sees his dad do. I wonder if he will use the values, morals and everything else I’ve taught him…or maybe I should say am trying to teach him because it’s an ongoing process.

But what I find myself wondering the most is when he becomes an adult will he know how much I love him, have loved him & will always love him? Will he understand that I couldn’t give him everything he wanted because I had a responsibility to keep a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food on the table. Or will he only remember the bad times? The times I’ve struggled to pay bills, provide food, etc? I want him growing up knowing that he’s always been the most important thing in my life and that I’m so blessed to be his mom.