Thinking:

I found myself sitting here doing some thinking yesterday afternoon after Caleb left with his dad. I find it funny that there used to be a time that I couldn’t see Caleb’s dad without crying and longing for what we used to have.

I wasted so much time longing and wanting something that would never be. Something that wasn’t meant to be. I knew we had a pretty bad relationship when we were together but I had devoted so much of my time to that relationship. I thought he was the one I wanted to grow old with. I couldn’t imagine life without him regardless of how rocky the relationship was. I made him my everything. I passed up hanging out with friends to be with him, I left college (well I didn’t want to be there in the first place!) to be with him. Being with him 24/7 was all that mattered. And when he was gone I felt like it was the end of the world. I felt like I had nothing.

I remember the day I packed up EVERYTHING and moved out of our place. When I say everything I literally mean everything. I was a bit angry, bitter and vindictive so I took shower curtains, even toilet paper. Yes it was childish but at the time it felt good. I figured if he wanted his little 17 year old high school bimbo moving in to have an adult relationship then she could fork out some money and buy items that a house needs.

I think back to that day and the months that followed and I am not proud of the way I acted. I’m not proud of the fact that I used our son to get his dad away from her. I’m not proud of the fact that I let Caleb’s dad stay with us even while she was still living with him. I’m not proud of the fact that I laughed when she called & called my house because she knew he was there. I’m not proud of the fact after hanging up the phone from one her many calls that I laughed & said to myself ha ha serves you right you little tramp. I’m not proud of the fact that I was the other woman. I knew how that felt and isn’t a nice feeling. She was the other woman before him & I split up. So I knew how bad she was hurting but that’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted to make her hurt. I’m not proud of the fact that I laughed while she had to sit her butt in jail for beating the crap out of me and putting me in the hospital where I had to get a gazillion and one stitches.

So the point of all this rambling? I truly did have a point in mind.

Realizing:

Someone once told me:

Don’t make someone your everything because when they go away you’ll have nothing

I never understood the meaning behind that until yesterday. Now I get it. I don’t agree that when someone goes away you’ll have nothing but it makes sense that you can definitely feel that way. I finally see how over the course of my life I have always made a man my everything. While I may not be the needy woman I used to be, I still have issues with devoting too much time making a man my everything.

While I think it’s ok to devote time to a man…I mean hello how else are you going to build a relationship, etc, I’ve finally realized that a man isn’t my everything and I have to stop putting a man before everything else in my life. There has to be balance. And it finally clicked that until I find that balance when it comes to a relationship I’m not ready for the next step, the thing that I’ve wanted ever since I was little – marriage.

I never thought there would be a day I said that. Often times I find myself upset over not being married yet and bitter about the fact that the one dream I ever had hasn’t come true yet. But yesterday it all made sense and I truly understand that I honestly am not ready for that yet. Do I want it? Oh you bet ya! I want to be a wife more than I’ve ever wanted anything in life! But not right now. Not yet. I’m not marriage material at the moment.

Besides I have to learn to cook first before I can ‘catch’ a man right? I mean isn’t the way to a man’s heart through his stomach?

I need your help in keeping them there and keeping them moving forward, closer to winning! You can vote on the website once a week and you can also text your vote.

To vote on the website go here and wait a second for the top portion of the page to load. It will show the four remaining couples. Simply mark box #1 for Melissa & Ryan and then click the vote button! If you would like to text your vote you can do so by texting the number 1 to the number 46833.

Please help me keep them there by casting your vote today! If you would like to read why this is my favorite couple and why I’m so interested in having them win you can read my blog post here.

Thanks!!!!