My baby that will soon be 10. 10. How is that even possible? It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I was holding him in my arms leaving the hospital, embarking on the journey of motherhood. I find myself wondering if I’m ever going to get the chance to bring more children into this world but I also find myself wondering how we’ve made it this far, how I’ve made it this far. Even after almost 10 years of being a mother I still feel like I have no clue when it comes to parenting.

I find myself wondering about all the things that Caleb has missed out on by not having a mom & dad raise him together under the same roof. Sometimes I feel guilty that Caleb has been raised by only me. Sure his dad sees him every other weekend but it’s not the same. I find myself often feeling like I’ve failed him as a parent, that there is more I should be doing. I feel guilty that I can’t give him all the things he wants. I hate hearing him talk about his friends that have both their mom & dad in the house.

Sometimes I wonder what the future will be like. I don’t want him struggling through life like I have. I don’t want him stressing over money like I have. I don’t want him hopping from one relationship to the next like he sees his dad do. I wonder if he will use the values, morals and everything else I’ve taught him…or maybe I should say am trying to teach him because it’s an ongoing process.

But what I find myself wondering the most is when he becomes an adult will he know how much I love him, have loved him & will always love him? Will he understand that I couldn’t give him everything he wanted because I had a responsibility to keep a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food on the table. Or will he only remember the bad times? The times I’ve struggled to pay bills, provide food, etc? I want him growing up knowing that he’s always been the most important thing in my life and that I’m so blessed to be his mom.

Me Time is a myth. It is an unattainable, always interruptible, never satisfactional piece of junk psychology. Me Time, by its very name, suggests that who we are during the daily grind is not WHO we truly are. It tells us that we are someone other than “WIFE” or “MOTHER.” It begs us to search for fulfillment outside of those titles. It blames precious little ones and God-given spouses for suppressing us. It reduces motherhood to a disease in which the life is slowly being sucked out of us by tiny dirty faces and endless monotonous tasks. It says you can never be refreshed by spending time in the presence of those you care for day in and day out. It points out a perceived “hole” in your world that needs to be filled, a tank that must be fueled up, a monster that will swallow you lest you neglect to feed it precious Me Time.

But, it will never be enough. The more you indulge the thought that you are somehow owed Me Time, the more you will seek after it. The more you seek after it, the more every little opportunity afforded you to “take a break” will seemingly end too quickly. The everyday life of being a mother will become drudgery. You will dread the laundry and dishes to the point of avoiding them at all costs. You will snap at your children any time they try to draw you out of your precious Me Time–whether it be by asking you 900 annoying questions or by loudly fighting with their siblings. You will watch the clock, anxiously awaiting their bed time so you can be alone. You will find that evenings before bed time drag on. Not getting this Me Time will ruin your day. If you do manage some time away, you will despise the re-entry.

While everyone is entitled to their own opinion I STRONGLY disagree with her! I have regular ME TIME and it doesn’t leave me seeking after more of it. It doesn’t leave me despising the re-entry. Quite the contrary in fact. I feel refreshed, refueled and ready to tackle everything that being a business owner and single mom throws my way.

I also have regular Quiet Time with the Lord which leaves me refueled, refreshed, filled up and ready to face the day to day challenges life throws at me. I think it’s all about balance.

So in honor of my so called ’selfish’ ME TIME I had a grand day today doing nothing but whatever I WANTED to do I spent an hour-n-half having a lazy, laughter filled lunch with a couple girlfriends. Then I headed on to spend an hour of relaxing me time getting my nails done (and they are super duper cute so of course I had to take a picture and share – they are red with snowflakes on them, a bit hard to see in pic but still cute!). After that it was a great evening with my son doing homework, talking and even snuggling up in bed with him until he fell asleep. And guess what? I’m not left seeking more me time, I’m not despising the re-entry back into ‘mom hood’ . I had a pleasant day and don’t feel the least bit guilty about it

I once was told that as a single mom I had no right getting my nails done or doing anything for myself because a single mom can’t afford to do things for herself. After that comment I stopped getting my nails done, I stopped getting my hair done but guess what? I learned that I TOTALLY disagree with this person (and it’s a family member even!). Yes acrylic nails can be expensive to upkeep but instead of going every 2 weeks for the fill I stretch it out and do it only once a month, saving $25.00 a month. I don’t buy myself clothes, I don’t get my hair done on a regular basis so forking over $25 once a month for my nails is something I can and do afford.

So now I’m stepping down off my soapbox but want to know – what is your take on me time? Do you think it’s selfish?