I’ve made a decision over the events of the last few days to make my profile on the dating site I was using inactive. It’s still there just not viewable to other members.

Update on “The Prospects”:

In my post it’s raining men I shared there were three new prospects. Just a day later in one man down two to go…well there were now only two prospects.

So I did email prospect #3 – the dude with no nickname to cancel our date for tonight. I did that yesterday.

Yesterday I was looking forward to meeting prospect #2 – the older man. But that all changed pretty quickly around 12:30 yesterday afternoon. And it was a bit of a bummer because I had connected really well with him! Once we talked on the phone we couldn’t shut up! Conversation was easy, fun, intriguing and leaving me with excitement to meet him.

The events of 12:30 yesterday afternoon that unfolded around Older Man, prospect #2:

My best friend B and our friend J work together & often go out to lunch together. Yesterday was no different. J has a profile on the same dating site I do so we often exchange stories with the men prospects to each other including B (who by the way thinks J and I are too picky when it comes to looks LOL).

Imagine my surprise, as I’m talking and getting things set up with B and J for them to go with me Friday night to the bar to meet Older Man when J is like OMG is he from ________ and I was like yes. And my mouth hung open as she said OMG is his name _______. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even mutter a yes at that point!

I was mad. Silly I know considering uhm hello that’s what people do when they are on a dating site – talk to other people – but I just couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that of all the women on the site he was emailing my friend J. I mean seriously what are the chances???? Oh and he’s still married! Separated but married none the less.

As we are talking J is sending him text messages and then all of a sudden I get this text message from him:

Ok. I’m having a very odd day. I’ve been emailing someone in ______ around the same time as you now I hear you guys are friends??!!!

I responded back yep and I’m just a little creeped out by this whole thing. His response back:

Interesting to say the least. I think I should bow out at this point. Very awkward. I would have never of dreamed!!!!

I responded back but don’t even remember what I said. I forwarded the text to J and she responded back that he sent her the same text. LOL But that was that. Another one bites the dust! I’m thinking that should be my theme song for my life in the realm of dating?!?

In Conclusion:

Dating disasters…actually I can’t even call them dating disasters because that would mean I actually had a date with them! But anyways…that means two men have now bit the dust leaving prospect #1 – Lansing man. But I don’t even have enough energy to give him a chance. Oh and I still haven’t heard anything more from him anyways so I guess that makes it easier to not have the energy to give him a chance.

I just don’t have any desire to keep up this dating charade or whatever you want to call it. Sure I have lots of ‘extra’ time on my hands with Caleb still being at his dad’s house but I honestly am wore out emotionally from this dating crap. Sigh.

Anyways enough beating around the bush time to move onto the big secret.

Nothing overly exciting just a date. I have a date Tuesday night. I was hoping for Saturday night but our schedules didn’t end up working out that Saturday would work so Tuesday night it is.

Am I ready for it?

Not as in ‘ready’ for it like what will I wear, etc. But as in emotionally am I ready for it?

I think so. A lot of things have changed recently and it’s really hard to explain but I’m ready and I’m actually looking forward to it!

How did we meet?

No it’s not the garbage man or the grocery store dude like I talked about in a recent post, Hey Ladies Do You Ask Men Out? It’s a guy from a dating site. And yeah yeah I know how some of you feel about the whole dating site thing. But it’s not really as bad as some of you think.

So we’ll see whether he’s just another frog or a possible prince But let’s just say that so far he’s leaning way FAR away from the frog category! But meeting in person will be a whole nother story…you can always be one person in text messages, emails and on the pone and a completely different person in person.

I think sometimes I confuse myself. I mean I know I’m not ready to be dating – I have so many things I need to work on and I need to get over a certain someone that totally stole my heart so unexpectedly that sometimes I wonder if it was real or just a dream. I still think back to how it all happened and it seems so sureal. And there are still people in my life that don’t understand the whole situation (for new readers – it’s a long story…he’s a soldier, I ‘met’ him while he was deployed through an online friend who is very good friends with him and what I thought was going to be nothing more than emailing back and forth turned into falling in love with a man that I knew more ‘intimately’ than most of the offline relationships I’ve had. An amazing man, a man that treated me with respect, kindness…things that were unfamiliar to me in the realm of a relationship. I could go on and on…but I won’t. I can’t cause it just brings back the hurt).

But the point of the post is that (and this is where I confuse myself) I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m still single. Maybe it’s because of the time I spent with family this weekend and how I’m the oldest but the only single one. Don’t get me wrong there are definitely pros to being single. But I’d be lying if I said I loved it or even liked it.

Why can’t I have a relationship? Why can’t I get over him? Why can’t I have my ‘fairy tale’ dream – the big wedding (although I have to say a big wedding doesn’t really matter at least not like it once did), the honeymoon I’ve always dreamed of, another baby?

I know how hard relationships are…believe me I do. I know a man won’t make me happy. I know a man won’t solve my problems. I know a man isn’t the answer…but is it so wrong that I long for that (a man, a relationship, marriage)?

I keep wondering when is my time of singleness going to be up. I mean haven’t I done my time yet? I’ve been ’single’ (minus a few relationships over the years) since 6 days before my son’s first birthday (and he’s 10 1/2 now!!!).

Sometimes I just can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me. And it’s really hard to not get hung up on the whole single thing sometimes considering all I’ve ever wanted since I was in high school is to be a wife. That’s a long time to have been waiting for a dream to be fulfilled and honestly it’s really discouraging and at times angering! And there are times that I cry because my heart longs so deeply to be a wife and it hurts that bad that all I can do is let the tears flow.

And this feeling that there’s something wrong with me I know is just a bunch of crap that I’m feeding into by allowing myself to even think it but damn sometimes it’s so hard to brush the thoughts off and move on. But I guess a good place to start would be to stop talking about it.

So how’s that for an arubt ending to a long random full of nothing post?

No I haven’t been sucked back into the whole online dating thing. Well kind of no anyways. Just out of curiosity I happened to check my email that I used for an online dating site when I was being ‘active’ on the site quite awhile ago and I’ll admit it I got kind of excited when I saw all the emails in there. A lot of them were old but there were several recent ones. Of course I couldn’t resist logging onto the site and reading the mail.

It didn’t take long to weed through the ones that I got that ‘crazy’ impression about. And a few of the emails – man I thought women could come off as needy, I just found a few men that way out beat women in the needy department. There were a few that….well let’s just say they didn’t beat around the bush when it came to asking for what they wanted (seriously can’t believe men just email asking for a booty call….disgusting).

And then there were two emails from two seemingly normal men. So I bit the bait and emailed back. I said I wouldn’t do it but I did (hanging my head in shame LOL) Now I’ve been in a game of pickle so to speak emailing back and forth between these two men. Both of them want my phone number and both of them want to meet. I’m not ready to meet either one of them and honestly I’m not sure that I have any interest in talking on the phone to either of them yet (is that bad?). I’m ok with giving out my IM address and will chat online with them but I’m just not ready for anything else.

I find it funny that I find dating tiring, time consuming, emotionally draining and just a big ole pain in the a**! That’s probably not a good thing that I view dating in those terms.

And for someone that says she hasn’t been sucked back in she sure checks that email inbox on a pretty frequent basis again. ROFLOL

But she’s at it again.  This time the possibility is a little more doable than the last one (he was 23 and I said no thanks!).  This time it’s even someone that I know from my senior year in highschool.  And he even asked me out my senior year but I said no.  He was(is) a really nice guy but when he asked me out I was in the middle of a breakup and the breakup dude & I got back together.

Anyways, to make a long story short – it’s been years since 1993 when he asked me out & we both obviously went our separate ways.  He married, had a kid and I had a kid.  Now he is divorced and living next to my sis-in-law’s sister & husband and everyone things it would be great to set us up…nonchalantly of course.

We’ll see.  I for one am not about jumping into any relationship at the moment (even though I do want to get married & the joke is that 2008 is my year to do this) because I’m not sure that I’m ready.  I’m still working on me in the physical, emotional & spiritual sense – I have issues I’m still working on that will hinder any relationship.  Two, I don’t know what his religious beliefs are – and I have to have a Christian man in my life.

Hanging out in a group would be fine – I’m up for that.  But as far as one on one dating with him – if he were to even be interested in that (when he asked me out before I was a lot different and a lot skinnier!!!!) I don’t know if it’s the right time.  We’ll see.