Thinking:

I found myself sitting here doing some thinking yesterday afternoon after Caleb left with his dad. I find it funny that there used to be a time that I couldn’t see Caleb’s dad without crying and longing for what we used to have.

I wasted so much time longing and wanting something that would never be. Something that wasn’t meant to be. I knew we had a pretty bad relationship when we were together but I had devoted so much of my time to that relationship. I thought he was the one I wanted to grow old with. I couldn’t imagine life without him regardless of how rocky the relationship was. I made him my everything. I passed up hanging out with friends to be with him, I left college (well I didn’t want to be there in the first place!) to be with him. Being with him 24/7 was all that mattered. And when he was gone I felt like it was the end of the world. I felt like I had nothing.

I remember the day I packed up EVERYTHING and moved out of our place. When I say everything I literally mean everything. I was a bit angry, bitter and vindictive so I took shower curtains, even toilet paper. Yes it was childish but at the time it felt good. I figured if he wanted his little 17 year old high school bimbo moving in to have an adult relationship then she could fork out some money and buy items that a house needs.

I think back to that day and the months that followed and I am not proud of the way I acted. I’m not proud of the fact that I used our son to get his dad away from her. I’m not proud of the fact that I let Caleb’s dad stay with us even while she was still living with him. I’m not proud of the fact that I laughed when she called & called my house because she knew he was there. I’m not proud of the fact after hanging up the phone from one her many calls that I laughed & said to myself ha ha serves you right you little tramp. I’m not proud of the fact that I was the other woman. I knew how that felt and isn’t a nice feeling. She was the other woman before him & I split up. So I knew how bad she was hurting but that’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted to make her hurt. I’m not proud of the fact that I laughed while she had to sit her butt in jail for beating the crap out of me and putting me in the hospital where I had to get a gazillion and one stitches.

So the point of all this rambling? I truly did have a point in mind.

Realizing:

Someone once told me:

Don’t make someone your everything because when they go away you’ll have nothing

I never understood the meaning behind that until yesterday. Now I get it. I don’t agree that when someone goes away you’ll have nothing but it makes sense that you can definitely feel that way. I finally see how over the course of my life I have always made a man my everything. While I may not be the needy woman I used to be, I still have issues with devoting too much time making a man my everything.

While I think it’s ok to devote time to a man…I mean hello how else are you going to build a relationship, etc, I’ve finally realized that a man isn’t my everything and I have to stop putting a man before everything else in my life. There has to be balance. And it finally clicked that until I find that balance when it comes to a relationship I’m not ready for the next step, the thing that I’ve wanted ever since I was little – marriage.

I never thought there would be a day I said that. Often times I find myself upset over not being married yet and bitter about the fact that the one dream I ever had hasn’t come true yet. But yesterday it all made sense and I truly understand that I honestly am not ready for that yet. Do I want it? Oh you bet ya! I want to be a wife more than I’ve ever wanted anything in life! But not right now. Not yet. I’m not marriage material at the moment.

Besides I have to learn to cook first before I can ‘catch’ a man right? I mean isn’t the way to a man’s heart through his stomach?