What Is Wrong With Me
I don’t know what it is but the last few days I’ve been feeling like something is wrong with me. Not in the phsyical sense (well there are some health issues I’m going through that are phsyical but that’s not what I’m talking about) but in the…I don’t know relationship sense I guess.
I think sometimes I confuse myself. I mean I know I’m not ready to be dating – I have so many things I need to work on and I need to get over a certain someone that totally stole my heart so unexpectedly that sometimes I wonder if it was real or just a dream. I still think back to how it all happened and it seems so sureal. And there are still people in my life that don’t understand the whole situation (for new readers – it’s a long story…he’s a soldier, I ‘met’ him while he was deployed through an online friend who is very good friends with him and what I thought was going to be nothing more than emailing back and forth turned into falling in love with a man that I knew more ‘intimately’ than most of the offline relationships I’ve had. An amazing man, a man that treated me with respect, kindness…things that were unfamiliar to me in the realm of a relationship. I could go on and on…but I won’t. I can’t cause it just brings back the hurt).
But the point of the post is that (and this is where I confuse myself) I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m still single. Maybe it’s because of the time I spent with family this weekend and how I’m the oldest but the only single one. Don’t get me wrong there are definitely pros to being single. But I’d be lying if I said I loved it or even liked it.
Why can’t I have a relationship? Why can’t I get over him? Why can’t I have my ‘fairy tale’ dream – the big wedding (although I have to say a big wedding doesn’t really matter at least not like it once did), the honeymoon I’ve always dreamed of, another baby?
I know how hard relationships are…believe me I do. I know a man won’t make me happy. I know a man won’t solve my problems. I know a man isn’t the answer…but is it so wrong that I long for that (a man, a relationship, marriage)?
I keep wondering when is my time of singleness going to be up. I mean haven’t I done my time yet? I’ve been ’single’ (minus a few relationships over the years) since 6 days before my son’s first birthday (and he’s 10 1/2 now!!!).
Sometimes I just can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me. And it’s really hard to not get hung up on the whole single thing sometimes considering all I’ve ever wanted since I was in high school is to be a wife. That’s a long time to have been waiting for a dream to be fulfilled and honestly it’s really discouraging and at times angering! And there are times that I cry because my heart longs so deeply to be a wife and it hurts that bad that all I can do is let the tears flow.
And this feeling that there’s something wrong with me I know is just a bunch of crap that I’m feeding into by allowing myself to even think it but damn sometimes it’s so hard to brush the thoughts off and move on. But I guess a good place to start would be to stop talking about it.
So how’s that for an arubt ending to a long random full of nothing post?
1Chrissy
wrote on 28 May 2009 at 1:04
There is nothing wrong with wanting a life ling companion to share your daily life with. And there is nothing wrong with you! But you do have to release the emotional baggage you carry from your past relationships. Heal those wounds and find yourself again, so you can love yourself again! You are caring, beautiful and charming from what I have come to know and I think you deserve the world <>
One big piece of advice I’ve ever received, I take with me everywhere, is this…and this was a huge wedge in all my relationships. I was hurt by people, crushed and I pushed others away without knowing it by being jealous for no reason, questioning them like they did something wrong for no reason etc. etc. just as a shield. When I met my now husband he told me “you have to quit treating my like I have done you wrong, you can’t judge me by your other relationships. I deserve your trust & loyalty UNLESS I do something to take it away, only then should I have to earn it.”
Chrissy’s last blog post..So I lost quite a bit of posts
2Tsoniki Crazy Bull
wrote on 28 May 2009 at 1:10
I’m sure I’ve said it to you before and I’ll say it again – stop looking and it will happen. And of course me saying stop looking is SO easy compared to actually working on letting go! Longing for a relationship isn’t bad at all, but I have a good friend who always wanted to be a wife and Mom – and she looked and looked for ages. Then she stopped and decided it just wasn’t going to happen – and bam, married and her daughter will be one in July. It is meant to be – and probably also meant to drive one crazy while waiting.
Tsoniki Crazy Bull’s last blog post..Quick Vacation Recap
3Cassie
wrote on 28 May 2009 at 11:20
You know, I thought all the same things as you for the longest time and it had me SO depressed for years. When I finally “stopped looking” and just started living life the way I figured it was meant to be, lo and behold, Mr. Effing AMAZING came into my life and I’m finally at the point where I always wished I would be. It IS going to happen. And it’s hard not to WISH for that to happen every second of the day, but once you let go, that waiting period will be so much better. (I also watched and read a lot of Jane Austen which helped
)
Cassie’s last blog post..Make Money By Giving Away Special Reports
4Mary Lutz
wrote on 28 May 2009 at 13:26
As was said above, there are a couple of key things you need to do: Learn to love yourself and stop looking. We are created for companionship. God didn’t create Adam and a whole bunch of other men and women. He created Adam and Eve to be together. It’s natural to long for that companionship. You know I did. You also know that as soon as I stopped longing for it and became content with being single, God brought me Jeff. He will do the same for you. And you’re not the only one who’s in your 30’s and still single. I know several people who are, and even Jeff was single till he was 39. He also had just decided to be content in his singleness about 6 months before we started dating.
I know you say you’ve been content, but God wants to see how long you’re going to be content. You can’t be content for a month or two, and then become discontent. You gotta stick it out even through the really tough times. When you are faithful and obedient, God will see that and bless it.
I know, I know. You probably don’t want to read this, but if you truly learn to be content and obedient in all areas of your life, God will honor it.
I love you Tishia!!! And there IS a man out there for you.
Mary Lutz’s last blog post..How My Business Has Grown in One Year
5Angie (Losing It and Loving It)
wrote on 28 May 2009 at 14:12
My first few thoughts when reading your post were that it will come at a time you least expect it. Don’t go looking for this stuff to happen. Also, maybe it’s because you’re unhappy with yourself on some levels and once you feel more comfortable with who you are things will change. I’m no doctor but it sounds like some things I went through way back before I found Kev so just sharing what I did.
Hugs!
Angie (Losing It and Loving It)’s last blog post..I survived my second green smoothie
6Heather @ Girly Blog Designz
wrote on 28 May 2009 at 14:34
I have to say what everyone else is saying, I know so many people who simply stopped looking and then next thing they were dating the “ONE.”
I think what Mary said is so true about the contentment and the being obedient. It really applies to so many areas of our lives, especially with our relationships.
We were all meant to have a special someone, God is all about relationships, and He created us that way as well.
There is nothing wrong with you. You know it’s OK to bring it to God too, let Him know how you feel. I often journal my thoughts and prayers to Him because it’s easier for me to focus that way. Maybe if you simply ask Him what to do, He will surely show you.
Don’t let the world make you feel guilty or out of place for being single. Maybe sharing your feelings with your family in this area will help as well.
Finding a Bible Study group – one for singles and one for families/moms/woman would be a great thing to do as well. Basically bringing your focus to God and seeking HIS will is what I believe will help everything else fall into place.
7Tishia Lee
wrote on 29 May 2009 at 13:21
@ Chrissy – I know I definitely have to release baggage from past relationships. Past issues were a huge problem in the relationship with my soldier that isn’t ‘my’ soldier anymore. You said some very kind words about me – thank you so much that means a lot.
@ Tsoniki – I know I need to stop looking but sometimes it’s so hard when you want something so badly! Yes it’s definitely to drive the one waiting crazy LOL
@ Cassie – It does get depressing thinking these things (that something is wrong w/me cause I’m still single). I’m super glad that you have an amazing man in your life. I’ve never heard of Jane Austen so I think I’ll be doing a Google search on her.
@ Mary – The only thing I can comment to you is….I know I know I know. It’s just a matter of letting go and being content all the time instead of just some of the time.
@ Angie – I know I need to be comfortable and love myself first before I’m ready for a relationship. That’s a long process to get to that point. LOL
@ Heather – Contentment isn’t one of my strong points. I do good for awhile and then I grow antsy and anxious. Not just in this area of my life but many other areas too. I do journal…well ok I used to journal but it’s been a loooong time since I’ve done it. lol
8TERRY M
wrote on 23 September 2009 at 23:15
NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU….
GOD IS IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE…
IT IS HIS PLAN FOR NOW……ACCEPT THAT AND KNOW THAT
WHAT HE HAS FOR YOU IS MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT YOU COULD
FIND FOR YOURSELF
JUST CONCENTRATE ON LOVING HIM AND HE WILL LOVE YOU
AND GIVE YOU YOUR HEARTS DESIRE….
HE WILL NOT BUY YOUR LOVE….. HE ONLY WILL RESPOND
TO YOUR LOVE FOR HIM…
LOVE HIM AND LIFE WILL KEEP GETTING BETTER
SINGLE TOO…..
9Author (Tishia)
wrote on 25 September 2009 at 8:32
Terry – Thank you for stopping by and commenting. You are exactly right in that what He has for me is better than what I could find for myself! Amen to that
10Vanessa
wrote on 25 September 2009 at 14:00
Hi Tishia;
God is in CONTROL! I also would like to take the opportunity to tell you that I LOVE YOUR BLOG!