If you follow me on Facebook or on Twitter you’ve more than likely heard me talking about BOTH of my grandmas over the last week!

Grams #1 (My Mom’s Mom):

It started a week ago today (Friday the 11th) with my grandma, mom’s mom, going in for surgery. She came out fine and was sent home. Yesterday she showed my mom and I her leg and it was horrible (black – not dark but black – in several spots, hot to the touch and beat red in other spots). We were concerned about blood clots as she’s had several problems with them in the past. Today she went to the doctor who sent her to the hospital. They released her and said it wasn’t blood clots like they thought but it was cellulitis. Praise God it wasn’t blood clots. She’s still in a lot of pain but hopefully the antibiotics will start relieving some of the swelling/problem and she’ll be feeling better soon.

Grams #2 (My Dad’s Mom):

Then Sunday of last week my other grandma, my dad’s mom, (that’s a picture of her and I from back in August right after she was admitted to the nursing home) was admitted to the hospital (same one ironically as above mentioned grams had surgery in just 2 days prior) for having a hard time breathing. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. They gave her something to help with the breathing and released her a couple days later. Here it is not even a week later and I just got word from a family member a few minutes ago.

“Yea – she is not doing well and they are just making her comfortable.  I would say that she is getting close to seeing the Lord.  She is not coherent at all – she just sleeps all the time.  Last night while I was with her she was out of it and mumbling stuff that made no sense at all.  She did not know me at all.”

I’ve felt really guilty for saying, over the last several months since she was admitted to the nursing home for alzheimers disease and it was getting worse and worse, “I wish the Lord would just end this” because now it looks like it could be happening…SOON.

I’m NOT prepared for this what so ever…then again can you ever be prepared for death? I don’t think so. I’m so glad that when the Lord does take her that the suffering will be over but I’m not sure I’ll be ok when it happens. I’ve always been very close to her and even the mere thought of her NOT being in my life anymore sends me into tears.

I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now – anger, sadness…and everything else all rolled into one. This ‘waiting game’ is the worst. I know she’s not doing good so now I’m constantly wondering every second if it’s going to be her time go now…at this very second. Every time the phone rings I hold my breathe until I know it’s not about my grams then suddenly it’s ok to breathe again.

I’m heading over to the nursing home (they said there’s no sense in taking her back to the hospital because there’s nothing they can do for her that the nursing home isn’t doing already) tomorrow to say my goodbyes.

How am I going to get through this?