I’ve been debating about whether I wanted to write this post or not.  Well I knew I wanted to but there was also a part of me that didn’t really want to share it.  I think maybe the part of me that didn’t want to share it was becuase I’m embarassed in a way but excited in another weird sort of way.

I had an appointment this morning at 9:15am and by the time I walked out of there at 20 after 11 I felt good.  Everything finally made sense to me (the depression, the really high and really low mood swings, the racing thoughts, the hopeless thoughts, the uncontrollable spending sprees I’ve went on in the past, the irritability, the anxiety…everything finally made sense).  I wasn’t sure that I was supposed to actually feel happy about my diagnosis but I did.  I didn’t feel crazy anymore.  It was nice to have a diagnosis but in a way I almost felt ‘embarrassed’ too.  If that makes any sense. 

So my diagnosis?

I’m bipolar.  When I first heard her say it I remembered back to a person that I know that has it and I was like oh heck no there is no way I can be bipolar because I’m nothing like her!  But as we talked about everything including my past depression and anxiety and things it all started to make sense to me.  The really high and low moods especially!  Ask anyone in my family or any one of my friends and they will tell you how up and down my moods are.  Mood swings are normal but not my mood swings.  And there are obviously several other symptoms that I have going on that match bipolar disorder.

The other thing that we talked about today was my issues with alcohol.  In the past I had some pretty serious issues with drinking.  I was a binge drinker.  I was in a very serious drunk driving accident (the cop told my mom that it was a miracle I survived), I didn’t generally drink during the week but I lived for the weekends so I could get drunk.  It cost me to lose a waitressing job at one point because I only waited tables on the weekends and it got in my way of drinking.  I didn’t take care of my son on the weekends (he went to grandparents all the time) because that was my party time (and I hate even admitting that!).  I would drink and drink and drink until I blacked out sometimes, waking up not knowing where I was or how I got there.  It was always my way to numb myself and not think or care about life.  And I’ve certainly entertained the idea of using alcohol recently for the same purpose as I used to.

When I became a Christian I’d like to say that all my partying stopped.  For the most part it did.  But the times I did drink I couldn’t stop.  Most people can sit down and have one drink and be done — I can’t.  While I don’t drink and party like I used to I still have issues with alcohol and drinking once in awhile.  It was really weird hearing someone tell me that I needed to go through a substance abuse program.  That was certainly the last thing on my mind but that too also makes sense to me, as embarassing as it is to admit.

While part of me feels embarrassed to some levels I also understand that to get better and on the right road this is all part of something that has to be done.

There’s also something else that I have to do and I’ve been working on this.  Going to church, reading my Bible and trusting in God.  There used to be a day when nothing could rock my faith or pull me away from trusting God and having a relationship with him.  Then slowly over time it was easier and easier to pull away and fall back into all my old ways.  Eventually it came to the point that God was the last thing on my mind and I doubted whether he was even really ‘there’ or not.   I blamed him for things that were going on in my life even.  Something happened to me Sunday night at church and I can’t even explain what it was because I don’t understand it other than it was a God moment.  I didn’t go to either one of the morning services because I was too tired.  I wasn’t going to go to the evening service either because I didn’t feel like getting out but there was just something in me that made me know that I had to be there.  It was as if my pastor was preaching right to me and only me.  For the first time in a really looooooooooooong time I felt the presence of God.  I knew that everything was going to be ok.  That I was going to be ok.

Wow what an interesting combination of things to talk about all in one post.  But it kind of all goes hand in hand.  Now that I’m getting the help I need and truly dealing with all issues in my life I know that God is going to use me.  I know that my circumstances are going to give me the ability to reach out to someone else and show them that there is hope, that there is a way.  I believe God has big things in store for me for 2009!  I’m looking forward to the new year!