Approval Granted
It’s been a crazy couple days around here. My dad came down to spend a night with Caleb and I and decided to spend two nights. I felt bad because I was sick (yes I’m sick AGAIN with a nasty head cold/upper respiratory crap) and had work to do so even though I was here I wasn’t ‘here’. If that makes any sense.
Everyone that has came to visit so far has loved the house, including my dad. He made a comment that made me smile (I’ll share in a minute) because my entire life I’ve always looked for his approval in everything and lots of times I’ve fallen short. I think the biggest disappointment to my dad had to of been when I left college and ended up pregnant shortly after. As a parent, now I think I understand why my dad felt disappointment in those situations. We only want what’s best for our kids and that generally doesn’t include a college dropout, pregnant out of wedlock, having no direction in life, etc.
This is kind of off subject but aside from seeking dad’s approval and only wanting him to be happy for me I’ve always compared myself to one side of my family and no matter how I look at it I’ll never measure up. Sometimes I’m ashamed…well not ashamed but embarrassed to be around. I look at my cousin who graduated college, owns a house, drives a nice car and is making a living doing what she went to college to get a degree in. I look at my sister who is just about finished with college, drives a nice car, and has a whole world of possibilities in front of her. I look at the rest of that side of the family who all own nice homes, drive nice cars, take nice vacations. And then there’s me. Little ole me. Still renting at 33, driving a gheto mobile, single mom barely making ends meet. Sometimes I feel like the ‘ugly duckling’ of the family if you know what I mean. They’ve never done anything to make me feel this way it’s just my own warped sense of thinking. It never fails – during every family get together in the back of my mind I wonder if they all feel disappointment in me and the life I have.
Sometimes I feel disappointment in my life and where I’m at. I love being a mom. I love being a work at home mom. I can say I love being single because it’s empowering that I do everything on my own without the ‘need’ to have a man in my life. But truth is I don’t love being single. I want to be a wife and even with all my little ‘quirks’ I’m gonna make a darn good wife one of these days. I may not be Martha Stewart in the kitchen but there’s so many other things I have to offer. When I stop and think about past relationships and what I miss most aside from companionship it’s silly little stupid things like doing their laundry, burning cooking dinner, getting up early to make them coffee or breakfast (ok so I didn’t do that all the time considering I’m not a morning person. LOL), and other little dorky things I used to do (when Caleb’s dad and I were together and he would go out of town for hunting or snowmobile trips I would write little goofy notes like I’m thinking of you, I miss you, etc and I would put them in pants pockets or things like that so that while he was away he would find them. It used to drive him nuts cause the guys would tease him. LOL). I just miss all those things that made me happy doing them.
Once again I got off on a tangent. I’m so good at doing that. So bringing myself back to the point of this post and the comment that my dad said that I’ll never forget.
Tishia, you have a nice house here. You and Caleb seem really happy. I’m proud of you!
Wow. Approval granted! But of course I couldn’t just leave it at that. Instead I had to do this thing that I’m so good at but doesn’t get me anywhere. I went into this whole thinking thing I do. And for those of you that know me pretty well know that I think WAY TOO much sometimes most of the time!
Instead of being happy that my dad finally said I’m proud of you I started thinking things like what’s there to be proud of? I didn’t buy the house I’m only renting, blah blah blah.
Anyways…I’m in one of those thinking moods today and I don’t think it’s a good thing. LOL
1Regina
wrote on 15 November 2008 at 14:17
Tish, you are an incredible woman and mom! You know, it really doesn’t matter what others think. If you’re happy and feeling good about the direction you’re taking, then that’s a good thing!
Of course it’s cool that your Dad says nice things to you, it’s because he loves you and is sincerely proud of you. I’m sure (and yes, I’m assuming here) that he loves you just the way you are… alive and doing well. Houses, cars, etc., are material things, they come and go, ya know? And they surely aren’t part of what makes a person beautiful (like you.)
As long as you continue to do things with the right intent, honor (acknowledge) God in all your doings, be that wonderful Mom you are to Caleb, everything will work out just fine. Remain encouraged my friend, and remember to cast down any imagination that is not from God. He wants you happy and to prosper in every aspect of your life.
Much love,
Regina
2Sharon
wrote on 15 November 2008 at 15:36
Keep looking ahead Tishia. Even that person with the house, car and degree has shortcomings in life that they have to deal with.
How wonderful that you have a son and the ability to earn your own living, move away to a better situation and look ahead to a future full of possibilities. You’re only 33!
I keep coming back to your blog because I’m just drawn to your spirit. People in your non-virtual life must feel the same way too cause I get the feeling how you are here is how you are in your non-virtual life. You got a lot going on girl!
3Jen @ One Moms World
wrote on 15 November 2008 at 22:34
What a great post! Yes, you may not have those material possessions your family has, but look at what you do have. You get to work at home, you have a beautiful, young man Caleb as your son and now you have a great house.
You are awesome girlie and never think lesser. I know that had to be music to your ears hearing your dad say those words. So great!!!
Jen @ One Moms World’s last blog post..Weight Watchers Number One Results
4Tammy
wrote on 16 November 2008 at 0:00
Tishia
You know me and you know what I’m going to say… but you seriously NEED TO FLIP THE SWITCH! ( I know most people are gonna be like what the heck is she talking about )
It’s great that your dad told you that but its more important that you accept what he said and not “think” about what he said.
One day your goals and dreams will become a reality, you just need to be pro-active and work toward them, and don’t look back.
Tammy’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Hunter!
5Angela
wrote on 16 November 2008 at 14:43
Tishia,
A really great friend just recommended I do something and I’m going to recommend you do it too if you haven’t already.
I know people talk about the gratitude journals and the dream maps and all that but they never seemed to keep my interest or motivation very long. You can achieve those dreams and you can do it fast.
Here’s what my friend Shannon recommended (not the same Shannon we both know):
- Get yourself a journal and call it your Success Journal! Take a picture of that Caleb and that house and put it in it. Take a screenshot of your website and put it in it. All the things you’ve achieved and are proud of put them in that success journal and when you feel doubtful in yourself pull it out and REMEMBER that you are strong and you can do what you put your mind too.
I just started mine and already I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far in my 1 1/2 years working from home full time.
Anyway, I think I might have an idea what Tammy is talking about with the switch – it’s hard to flip but once you do I think it probably will never get turned off!
Angela’s last blog post..Join me LIVE for the Toronto Internet Marketing Seminar!
6Tish
wrote on 16 November 2008 at 20:49
Regina, Sharon, Jen, Tammy & Angela thank you all for your comments. I’m definitely going to give the success journal that you recommended Angela a try.